Voting by Absentee Ballot

Do you have plans for November 2nd? What’s on Nov 2 you ask? I’ll be at Vito’s watching the results come pouring in. I’ve done my duty for this election. In Iowa, one can easily vote by absentee ballot. That’s what a lot of people here are doing this year.

It’s an involved process with envelopes that go in envelopes that go in envelopes. If you haven’t registered to vote already in Iowa, it is now officially too late. Some states let you register at the polls. Not here. At any rate, here’s a quick guide to filling out the illustrious Absentee Ballot.

Items needed:

• #2 pencil
• water or tongue for sealing envelopes
• nearby post office

The ballot itself is double-sided. Lots of choices. The front is for national offices and the backside is for local elections. Be sure to use a #2 pencil only to fill in the space on the arrow.

Be sure to follow the instructions on the instruction sheet and on the form carefully. Any mistake here will certainly doom your ballot. You’ll note that here in Iowa Ralph Nader and also the Green Party are on the ballot. And I have no idea how the socialists and the libertarians make it onto the ballot each and every election. To the press, they are invisible. At any rate, once you have completed your ballot, place it in the Secrecy Envelope. The Secrecy Envelope is opaque—no one will know your vote until election day when the County Auditor’s staff open the absentee ballots.

Once the ballot is in the Secrecy Envelope, you need to place the Secrecy Envelope into the Affidavit Envelope. And this is important: you need to sign and date the envelope and write down your address in the space provided. If this sounds official, that’s because it is.

If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You’re nearly done. What’s the last step? Well, it involves an envelope. If you’ve been keeping track, we’re up to envelope number three. But thankfully, this is the final envelope we need to deal with here. So after filling out the Affidavit Envelope and sealing it, place it into the return envelope. The postage is already paid, so just fill out your return address and seal the sucker up. You’re set!

The next step is to go to your local post office and mail this off. This is your ballot. It’s important. Don’t leave it in your mailbox for the postal carrier to pick it up. Mail the thing, and you’ll feel a whole lot better.

The final step? Make plans for Election Day—with your absentee ballot mailed, you’ve got the day off. Just sit back, and watch the results come pouring in. Did I mention I’m anxious about the election? How can it be this close? The election is barely a week away! Get with the program, people! Don’t make a really big mistake! You know who’s the right choice…don’t you?