Over at Misbehaving.net tonight

Well, the "scenery" crack didn't help, as it did imply a dehumanizing kind of objectification, twisting what was meant as a silly joke and comment on the predominant maleness of my network to sound much more like old-fashioned sexism. I think I've learned a bit more about the context of social software and friends vs. "friends," unfortunately at the cost of potentially losing a possible friend.

I think that the point you are missing here is that women in technical fields have learned that references to their physical appearance are usually associated with a discrediting of their technical abilities. For some unknown reason it seems that men all over the world (but far worse in Northern America) seem to believe that attractive women are technically incompetant. Some plain-looking women seem to be allowed to have technical skills but women who fully don't fit the beauty mold are also considered technically incompetant.

As a result women in IT tend to androginise themselves, not to appear male, but to try as hard as possible (especially in online contexts) to not appear too female.

This isn't a situation that we women can do a lot about. Sure we can be out there being female geeks and ignoring the numerous, impolite advances from our collegues, but we can't make the men treat us in a way that's acceptable to us. We don't want men to treat us the same way as they treat other men. That's a crappy form of equality. Why should I have to be happy with your fart jokes, anime porn backgrounds and other "male-bonding" crap? Women in IT want to be treated with respect for their skills not for their appearance. We'd prefer you to not mention our appearance to us, or publically at all, until we know you better.

Maybe you've never meant a comment about a female's appearance to disparrage her technical skills but too often that is what is meant, and as a result that is probably how it'll be taken.

Thanks for your comments, Jace. I work for a research university where there are many women with PhD's doing research and who are handsomely rewarded for their efforts. The previous university president here was a woman as well. So I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who doesn't know any males who would tell "fart jokes." It's as incorrect to assume all male-bonding involves juvenile behavior as it would be to say that female-bonding involves shopping.

Your points about women in IT (Information Technology) are well taken. It's unfortunate that there aren't more women in IT. There were more women graduating with degrees in computer science by percentage in the 1980s than there are now. Female PhD students in CS make up something like 15-18% of the total. Certainly there is something wrong with the culture of IT from a gender perspective. I'd be interested to hear what you think can change that.

I am friends with several female computer scientists, and I think you're right that they tend to mute overt displays of femininity. But I think the same is true for men working in female-dominated fields, such as librarianship or nursing. None of the male librarians I know are given to displays of machismo. We learn (in the best of situations) to adjust to our work environments, but of course the problem is when we encounter a work situation that is hostile to one's presence because of gender or some other discriminating factor.

My personal hope is that the Internet will help women to break into the world of IT. The gender breakdown clearly shows that women use the Internet as much as men, and I think it's great that sites like misbehaving.net exist to further the voice of women in the technological realm. Since misbehaving.net is an open community of sorts, I would as a male be interested in seeing them add a contributor to their website who was male. Because it's female-only at this point it sounds more like a clique and less open to dialogue between the sexes. Having a "token" male might help to quiet some of the (male) commentators who have been critical of the site.

Would you want to be the token male? I've experienced being a token female, and it's a dreadful, dehumanising experience.

I respect them more for not having a 'token' male than I would respect them for having one. Having one would be hypocrisy.